(edit: This is both yesterday and today’s entry. Yeah, I suck. I was late, and today wasn’t great. Better luck tomorrow? )
Met up with the Knit Out Loud crowd last night. Great people, nice knits.
We found this on the way home from downtown. Profoundly disturbing.
I’ve been thinking of getting into the banking industry for a while now. Good pay, great hours, room for advancement. Plus it’s an impressive and grown-up sounding career.
This isn’t to say I’m unhappy with my current job, I love working with animals and my coworkers and employer are fantastic. There’s just not as much room for advancement (and having weekends is honestly a huge deal for me now).
Anyway, I have what could best be called crippling anxiety when confrontation is involved. And, in my head everything can be confrontational. So, usually, meeting new people is basically the worst thing in the world for me. At best, I’m nervous and queasy. At worst, like today’s expedition, I wander around for hours, nauseous, sweaty, frustrated and sad – and then I just go home.
It’s friggin’ ridiculous. Consciously I know that these people aren’t going to, like, yell or scoff or mock me (and if so, screw those guys) but I just can’t get myself to talk to them. The moment of “hello, my name is-” is just impossible for me and I just can’t do it.
This is the same reason I can’t answer the phone unless I know exactly who it is, and what they want. Hell, I almost always try to get people to email me instead (and even then, the email back can cause the same nauseousness and crap).
Fortunately, Hillary can deal with these people (and I can’t thank her enough for all she does in this respect) but, unfortunately, she can’t be with me all the time. It’s hard to look like a serious and employable individual when some one’s holding your hand and doing all the talking for you.
And this has been going on, probably, forever; and the next best thing for me is psychological counselling.
This is all a lot to put out there. I don’t usually talk about “feelings”. It’s part of the “confrontation” thing. I don’t even tell Hillary about it this much, but telling it to the Internet seems easier somehow, because the worst you guys can do is mock me and if so, seriously, screw you guys. And maybe that’s a step in the right direction?
I go thru the same thing, so you’re not alone on that.
I can talk to people but I’ll feel self consent most time then I start to feel anxiety.
And Confrontation forget it, I feel that I’m deafly afraid of it at times especially when it come to my family.
Either way, you’re not alone with those feelings.